Does a trip to the dentist sounds like more fun than a tumble between
the sheets? We feel sorry for you, but you’re not alone. Here are the
top reasons why women may be turned off by sex and ways to fix your sex
life:
You’re not lubricated
Sex that’s
drier than the Sahara is no fun at all. Some women think that if they
use a lubricant, it means they’re a failure, but that’s not the case at
all. "Simply said, not enough lubricant and too much stimulation means
it hurts,” says Lou Paget, certified sex educator and author of The Big O: Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming. "Girl, find a lubricant. I recommend Very Private Intimate Moisture.”
You don’t masturbate
"Masturbation
is one of the best ways to get to know your body so you can tell your
partner what you want,” says Paget. "Masturbating is often more private
than sex.”
Without intimate knowledge of your own body and
what gives it pleasure, it’ll be even more difficult to find sexual
satisfaction with a partner.
You’re worried about being a good girl
In your mind, nice girls don’t do x, y or z. Which means every experience you have sets you up for feelings of guilt.
"Good
girls deserve pleasure, it'is a very positive thing,” says Paget. "Do
you think god would have created nerves if they weren’t to be enjoyed?
We enjoy our sight nerves with art and loved ones’ faces, our hearing
nerves with music, our taste nerves with food, our scent nerves with
smell so it is 100 percent logical we’d enjoy touch nerves for pleasure.
Feel better?”
You’re thinking about how you look…not how you feel
Being
too self-critical about your appearance takes you out of the moment
during sex and prevents you from letting loose. Chances are your partner
loves the way you look.
"Create a ‘feel’ environment rather
than a ‘look’ environment,” suggests Paget. "Dim the lights, close your
eyes. Take some deep breaths and focus on your sensations. Another
option is to blindfold your partner.”
You don’t try new things
Any woman would get bored of sex if she did the exact same thing every single time!
"Are
you a one note samba in the food area too?” asks Paget. "Sex is an
appetite so give yourself permission to try a new position or a new
lube. And remember, beginners have all kinds of permission to not know
what they’re doing and try new things anyway. It can be fun and it creates a shared history for the two for you.”
You don’t ask for what you want
If you’re too shy to speak up, sex will surely continue to be something you dread doing.
"Stand
in front of the mirror and practice telling your lover what you want,”
suggest Paget. "Once you practice asking for it there will be a nerve
response pathway in your brain and it will be easier to say it to your
partner. Also ask when you are vertical not horizontal, there will be
less pressure.”
You’re worried about doing it the "right” way
Don’t
concern yourself with what your friends (or actors in a Hollywood
movie) are doing. The only ‘right’ way to have sex is the way that feels
good to you.
"Your way is the right way for you,” says Paget.
"If you’re concerned about your partner ask him with single word
questions: Lighter? Slower? Faster?”
You don’t realize there are benefits to sex
The hormones released after sex/orgasm can help you relax and feel good. If you focus on the fact that sex is healthy you might like it more.
Insomnia problems? "Some men and women view sex as the ultimate sleeping pill,” says Paget.
You’ve had bad sexual experiences in the past
A
combination of a trusted new partner who’s willing to go slowly with
you and a good therapist can help you change your old, negative
associates with sex.
"Focus on making future experiences good,”
says Paget. "Be in charge and know you can leave should it not be to
your liking. Create the feeling of you being in charge.”
You’re on the pill or antidepressants
There may be something chemical going on that’s squashing your libido. This is one to speak to your doctor about for sure.
You’re a control freak
The
key to enjoying sex is being able to let go...and let yourself go. Stop
trying to always be in charge of the outcome or the situation. "If
a woman’s trying hard to be in control in the bedroom, she’s not
focusing on what’s important, and is probably too much in her head to
really relax and enjoy herself,” says Sadie Allison, Ph.D., Founder of TickleKitty.com and bestselling author, Tickle Your Fancy—A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure. "Let go and surrender to your lover. You may find yourself in a much better place to receive new, unexpected pleasures.” You have trust issues
If you’ve been betrayed by a former lover it can be difficult to truly be yourself around the next one.
"The
best sex is when you’re completely open with you lover, with lots of
communication and trust between the two of you,” says Allison. "If you
don’t trust, you’ll always have a wall up, which could hinder your
sexual appetite. When you feel safe with your sexual partner, sex can be
deeply satisfying. If you don’t feel you’re with a trustworthy partner,
move on. If it’s baggage you carry, start the process of addressing it and eventually letting it go.”
You’re exhausted
Getting your zzz’s is more important to your sex life (and overall health) than you think.
"It’s
easy to dislike any physical activity that’ll take one more ounce of
energy from you after a long day’s work and overwhelming
responsibilities,” says Allison. "But sexual connection is a very
important part of any healthy relationship. So at minimum keep it alive
with kisses and cuddling and a quickie here and there!”
Because he keeps bugging you for it all the time!
If he doesn’t give you a chance to want it, you may begin to feel like sex is just another thing on the to-do list!
"For
some, if there’s no give-and-take with the fun of initiation, you can
feel burdened by your partner,” says Allison. "Be open and honest with
your lover, and communicate your thoughts and needs about this. Let him
know you want to build lust and desire for him, and that you require
that space.”
You’ve never had an orgasm
If orgasms have been elusive for you, sex may feel more like a quest rather than a fun exploration.
"If
you’ve tried but just can’t seem to achieve the big ‘O’, sex can become
quite discouraging and easy to give up on,” says Allison. "Consider
picking up a how-to resource on female masturbation (i.e., Tickle Your Fancy—A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure) and learn what it takes to bring yourself to orgasm
(and practice!). Starting there will help you to understand your body
better, what feels best and then you can show your lover the techniques
that you crave.”
You feel too much pressure to like it
If you’re psyching yourself out, no wonder sex is no fun.
"Any
time a woman feels pressure, we risk losing our mojo and falling right
out of the mood -- especially if that pressure is coming from our own
thoughts!” says Allison. "There’s no reason to be hard on ourselves if
we don’t have an orgasm every time. Sex is so much more than the end
result -- it’s just as much about the journey getting there. So enjoy it
for every unique moment and experience it brings.”
You are just not that sexual of a person
Different
people have different sex drives -- and that’s ok! Instead of opting
out, why not dip your toe in and explore some potential new turn-ons?
"Love
and accept who you are, fully,” says Allison. "It’s okay if you don’t
like sex that much. However, make sure you’re not selling yourself short
and using that as an excuse. Be truly honest with yourself, and if
there’s an issue causing you to feel this way (i.e., you're in a
relationship with wrong person, you have personal issues/insecurities),
address it and get help if you need it. Sex is too wonderful to let it
fall by the wayside!”
Because you haven’t been having sex
Doing it makes you want to do it more! So just do it!
"Self-love
ladies! You never have to be in dry spells,” says Allison. "God gave us
10 digits and two hands -- the best sex toys ever. Use ‘em! Take
matters into your own hands until that Mr. Right comes along.”
You’re bored with your partner
No one can be expected to have the same high level of excitement about their man
all the time. There’s nothing wrong with a little fantasizing from time
to time! "Being bored can easily put a damper on your attitude and
motivation for sex,” says Allison. "Get out of your rut and take the
initiative to try something new, even if it’s as simple as testing out a
new position, wearing a new sexy nighty or watching some adult
entertainment together.”
You’re not attracted to him…Oops!
Many
women put pressure on themselves to feel turned on when the problem
isn’t with them, it’s their partner! It’s not a matter of being shallow.
He may be the sweetest guy in the world, but if you don’t want to jump
him when you see him, it’s time for a reality check (and probably a new
lover).
"Find a new playground, honey,” says Paget. "If you are
choosing someone your body isn't attracted to there are most likely
other issues in your life you need to address.”
Source: http://www.ivillage.com/reasons-why-you-don-t-sex-and-how-snap-out-it/4-a-535697 |